Maybe I'm crazy

I spent Thanksgiving, not with family, but with a special friend of mine. Thanksgiving break for me began on Tuesday morning. I was completely and totally unproductive at work because I was far too excited to care much about being productive. By the time I actually went to the airport to pick up my guest, I was pretty much worthless the rest of the day.

I made lasagna from scratch for the first time ever. It was a little bit undersauced, but I think it was acceptable as a first attempt from someone who didn't even have a recipe for it. I was surprised to discover C's complete and utter lack of BBQ skills. Isn't it like an unwritten rule that men are supposed to know how to grill, even if they can't cook to save their lives? I really wanted to see Pride and Prejudice and he humoured me. After the movie, he shocked me: Caveman C actually enjoyed the movie. He calls me Mrs. Darcy sometimes. I can only assume that it suggests he is incandescently happy. When I asked him what animal he felt best represented him, he said he's most like a beaver: industrious, hardworking, always trying to build that dam(n) only to have it swept away with one little leak. C asked me why I dated Frenchy. I didn't know it had bothered him so much. I didn't think he cared. He thinks the cartoon character that best represents me is Garfield: clever but always looking for a way to cut corners. He also didn't say he thought I was a fatso cat who likes to eat all the time, but I think that's pretty accurate, too. We played a lot of Scrabble, and we even took a blanket outside and played Scrabble in the park. What a granny thing to do, huh? I don't like watching the Discovery Health Channel; I find it "soporific," which was the vocabulary word of the week.

We still talk on the phone nightly, and when I go out, I feel this strange nonchalance about meeting men. We're not together, and I suppose if I met someone who absolutely blew me away, I'd be open to going on a date, but I've really been ducking some guys I met before who want to hang out, and I would rather go home and talk to C. I have hung out with guy friends and actually felt a little guilty about our closeness, as if I were doing something wrong, though I know I didn't. It's weird. Yet I don't feel a need to give us a title. I like the way we are right now, but I know I'd be hurt if I found out he was seeing someone else or dating around. But 3000 miles is long ways apart.

Maybe I am not the one you had in mind
Maybe I'm not the one that you thought was your type
Maybe I'm not the one that you've been dreaming of
Maybe I'm not the one you thought would bring you love

But maybe I'm just what you need
And maybe I

You tell me I think too much
You say that I dream too much
And tell me I feel too much
Yeah maybe I do

You say that I say too much
You tell me I believe too much
And maybe I hope too much
Maybe you do too

I don't need to be the one to change your life
I don't need to be the one you call your wife
And I don't need to be the one that you run to
And I don't need to be everything to you

But maybe I'm just what you need
And maybe I

You tell me I think too much
You say that I dream too much
And tell me I feel too much
Yeah maybe I do

You say that I say too much
You tell me I believe too much
And maybe I hope too much
Maybe you do too Follow through...

Dear D & S

Until today, I wasn't angry with either of you. I have known for weeks that you, D, my old roommate and supposed friend, and you, S, my ex boyfriend and supposed best friend, were intimate with one another. I didn't care that you did it to get back at me. I thought it pathetic, really. S, you were mad because I started seeing someone new. D, you had to make up a reason to be mad at me. But what made it all so pathetic was that you wanted to hurt me but then you were both too cowardly to be open about it. And you, D, are so self righteous. You pass judgment on anyone and everyone when you are clearly no saint yourself. Poor W. I can't believe that he has no idea that he is not the only one you have been with. You've been with him for nearly what... eight years now? You must be very bored. Very unhappy. And very scared. You won't let go of W because you are so scared of change, of having to put in the effort of finding someone who might actually fulfill you. And S: it's too bad you were so wildly jealous after our breakup. Yes, I hooked up with J on Memorial Day weekend. Long after you and I had called it quits in March. You and J didn't even know each other, and it's not like I was doing anything wrong by moving on and finding someone new, although I must concede that another coworker was probably in bad taste. But I didn't choose him to spite you. I didn't want to spite you. It's not like I decided to hook up with your roommates or anything.

When I first heard that the phrase "D gives great head" came out from S's mouth, I was in shock, and I felt betrayed, but not angry. In fact, I thought it rather sad. My old roommate, you are trapped in a relationship where you are bored to tears but won't get out because you don't know what you'd do without him to fight passionately with you about the most trivial things (thereby feeding your seemingly insatiable penchant for drama) and to pay for your dinners and to buy you your designer purses. My old boyfriend, you say to this day that you love me and you'll love me forever, that all of the songs you have written for your first album are about me. Your inability to enjoy life without the aid of any kind of drug enhancement is maddening, and it made you paranoid. You were convinced that J and I had hooked up long before we ever so much as thought of kissing, and that paranoia drove you into a rage against me.

All of that, like I mentioned before, is forgivable. I have spoken to both of you since, and cordially. I have made no mention of my knowledge, mostly bc I like to avoid drama if possible. (It is awfully good at seeking me out, though.) But then tonight I discovered that the first of your intimate encounters was back in early December after the company Christmas party. I was passed out in my bed, and you were both on D's bed... in the same room as me, as D and I shared a room.

I cannot be friends with either of you any longer, and while I'd like to tell you why, I don't know that you even deserve an explanation.

And D: I would never stoop so low as to tell W just to get back at you. Anger is fleeting; I know this will pass. But this overwhelming feeling of pity and an understanding that you both lack character: it will remain.

Signed,
Me Follow through...

Perfect

C called me today. He just got back from Fiji and called me on his way home from the airport. I miss him. He likes to think we're perfect for each other because we are polar opposites. He said that to me today. Perfect. Us?!? We're like... poster children for how relationships should not work. Distance and absence make fools of us because the memories become blurred and we tend to want to fill in the gaps, and more often than not we fill them with shiny, happy memories as we've blocked the bad ones out already. I think we are weird together. And apart. I don't know that I'll ever see him again. He's not yet done with med school and who knows where he'll end up for his residency. What strikes me is the noticeable change he's undergone over the past year. I feel that he has become notably different. Perhaps he is simply the longest lasting of my many ex hangups and I am just imagining things to justify holding on; I don't know. But I like to think that people can change, that boys mature into men, and that eventually, we all receive the kind of love we deserve... Follow through...

Old flame

Is it possible to love a man you once knew, long after you knew him? There is a man I have not been able to let go of. I never loved him, at least not to my knowledge. In fact, more often than not, I loathed and adored him all at once. I thought to myself that I could do better, that I deserved better, but now I question, not the fact that I deserve better (as that is set in stone), but whether or not he can be better. Is it just false hope? Or are we capable of changing significantly within the span of a few short years to merit second, third, and even fourth chances?

I like to think that there is hope, though I'm leery and scared and skeptical and not entirely convinced. Such is the fate of the hopeless (and subsequently, helpless) romantic. Follow through...

No more wine before bed

I had a glass of wine with a very late dinner, and I had the funkiest dreams last night. I woke up every 20 minutes or so and had the most unfitful rest ever. I dreamed that I was away some place for a guy friend's wedding, and then he told me he was in love with me and wanted to call off his wedding. I was like whatever, I work for the rescue squad, and went off to my job at the rescue squad station. Instead, I ended up at this carnival-type thing where there were a bunch of photo booths and roller coasters and lo and behold, my favorite ex was just sitting around on some couches chillin' with one of his friends, who mysteriously vanished during the course of my dream. I was wearing my glasses. (I never wear my glasses.) I remember I was wearing my glasses because when he leaned in to kiss me, they fogged up, and I pushed them back on my nose after he said, "Will you marry me?" We hadn't seen each other in years. He must've been thinking about it. I pretended I didn't hear him because he said it so softly, but then he repeated himself and I was forced to answer. I must have said yes because I soon started receiving text messages from all of my friends and agonizing over who to invite to my wedding and who my bridesmaids were gonna be and how I was gonna keep it small. Shortly thereafter, there was an announcement that one of my 23 year old lady friends was going to get married to her 21 year old beau, and I thought, "Gosh... they're so gonna get a divorce bc a 21 year old guy is going to wanna go out and go crazy bc he hasn't done it yet." And then I realized, "Whoah... I'm way too young to get married. Even if Mr. X is older than me." And then I woke up.

Dude, I don't even want to get married anytime soon. And it freaks me out that I dreamed I was gonna marry an old ex, who has been out of my life for a long time. Follow through...