Monday, February 21, 2005

Love yourself

It's tough, but necessary. Before being able to give fully to another person, you must love yourself.

Carrie: Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

I think too often, we seek some sort of completion of self in another person. Does that strike anyone else as oxymoronic? But we are, I believe, at our best when we are happy with who we are and where we are in life. That is when we have the most to offer to others. Our own happiness, though, should never be dependent on anyone or anything else. How you get to be happy, I couldn't tell you, but I do know you gotta love yourself first.

Sacrificing for relationships, by the way, is bullshit. Sacrifice, by definition, is giving without any intent of receiving. If all you ever do is sacrifice for love, you're in a fucked up relationship. The way I see it, everything in a relationship ought to be reciprocol. If you give, the other person better be giving something back, too. I'm not saying it's gotta be an eye for an eye kind of thing, just that in the larger scheme of the relationship, there should be some kind of balance. Otherwise, you're not respecting yourself and you're settling for less than you deserve. Don't bend over backwards for someone who does not want to bend at all. Understand, though, that the other person may not bend the same way that you do. If they are trying, great. The effort is what counts, first. As long as the will is there, the rest will follow. If you value yourself, you will find it easier and easier not to waste your time with relationships that are not worth it. This goes for romance and friendship alike. I guess what I'm trying to say is make sure you've got your own shit straight, that you are comfortable in your own skin, before you go off on some quest to save someone from himself. Don't try to be someone else's crutch if you're having trouble standing strong on your own. You are your own best friend, and your own worst enemy, and probably your harshest critic, too. Once you learn self-love, the love you have to give to others will be less flawed and more fulfilling. Follow through...

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Easy words


Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words. Closer.

Is it really that easy to say, "I love you?" I mean, I understand that actions speak more loudly than words, but I don't think it's all that easy to utter those three words to someone. In my experience, it has been perhaps more difficult for me to say those words than it has been to live them. It isn't that I don't think I've ever been in love, (in fact, to the contrary, I think I've been in love many times) it's that I am paralyzed by fear. I have always been scared out of my wits at the possibility that the person to whom I would like to say "I love you" would not reciprocate, and one of my greatest fears in life, being unloved, would be confirmed.

Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age. Anais Nin.

I don't think love is some static, constant thing. I would define love as the complete giving of all that one has to offer at any particular point in one's life. For instance, when I was 17 I was convinced I had fallen in love with a boy I met at a church conference in Tennessee. Every fiber of my being trembled with longing for this boy; I couldn't stop thinking of him; I wanted only to make him happy. When I was 19, I looked back at that time in my life and laughed at myself. How silly I was. But now, I look back and I consider each time I was in love legitimate. Puppy love, shmuppy love. At that point in time, given my emotional maturity, I offered my purest and most precious gift of self. If I were to offer another man that now, it'd be a lot more meaningful because I've grown since then, and my capacity to love has expanded. I look forward to the day when I reach full capacity! Cheers to all the heartbreak, the growth, and the love in the many years to come. When I am 82 and in love, I hope I feel just as fulfilled as when I was 17 and in love, 19 and in love, and so on and so forth.
Follow through...

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Be my Valentine

Most of my girlfriends think I'm crazy, but I love Valentine's Day. It is my favorite holiday. Yes, even when I'm single. Why? I think it's because I like the idea of dedicating a day to the celebration of love and romance. I don't care if it's been adulterated by this absurd need to give expensive gifts (I mean, really, it's not like this is the only commericalized holiday we celebrate, puh-leeze). When February rolls around, inevitably, my thoughts wander to matchmaking, ex-boyfriends, and chocolate. For the past two years on Xanga, I prefaced each entry with love quotes. I think I'll mix it up a little this year. Some images, some quotes, some lyrics. I am also a self-proclaimed Valentine's Day consultant. Boys and girls: if you are having trouble thinking up things to do for your hunny, have no fear, Miss M is here! You know how in The Wedding Planner, JLo's character says "Those who can't wed, plan?" That's like me on V-day. Since I can't do anything for a non-existent boyfriend, I help plan out other people's V-days. And I send my single friends Valentine's day gifts because even those without boyfriends should know that someone loves them. (Side note: Most boys I know are amazingly devoid of creative juices when it comes to romance. I will write more on planning the perfect V-day in a later entry. Feel free to leave questions or comments if there are things you would like for me to address. Need ideas? Short on cash? What is your excuse for being a sucky and utterly uncreative bf? Or gf, for that matter?)

All too often, I think we forget that love is more than the burning desire in your loins when you see that special someone. There are so many different forms, and I don't see any reason why the other types of love are any less deserving of celebration. Familial love: how often do you tell your parents and siblings that you love them, and show it? Best friend love: whether your best friends are in relationships or not, they should be reminded that no matter what a silly man might think of them, they are wonderful and beautiful and loved. Heavenly love: I don't thank God enough for his unfailing love. The problem is, when you know you can count on something, you tend to abuse it, consciously or otherwise. Admit it. We're all guilty!
Follow through...