Monday, June 20, 2005

Perfect

C called me today. He just got back from Fiji and called me on his way home from the airport. I miss him. He likes to think we're perfect for each other because we are polar opposites. He said that to me today. Perfect. Us?!? We're like... poster children for how relationships should not work. Distance and absence make fools of us because the memories become blurred and we tend to want to fill in the gaps, and more often than not we fill them with shiny, happy memories as we've blocked the bad ones out already. I think we are weird together. And apart. I don't know that I'll ever see him again. He's not yet done with med school and who knows where he'll end up for his residency. What strikes me is the noticeable change he's undergone over the past year. I feel that he has become notably different. Perhaps he is simply the longest lasting of my many ex hangups and I am just imagining things to justify holding on; I don't know. But I like to think that people can change, that boys mature into men, and that eventually, we all receive the kind of love we deserve... Follow through...

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Old flame

Is it possible to love a man you once knew, long after you knew him? There is a man I have not been able to let go of. I never loved him, at least not to my knowledge. In fact, more often than not, I loathed and adored him all at once. I thought to myself that I could do better, that I deserved better, but now I question, not the fact that I deserve better (as that is set in stone), but whether or not he can be better. Is it just false hope? Or are we capable of changing significantly within the span of a few short years to merit second, third, and even fourth chances?

I like to think that there is hope, though I'm leery and scared and skeptical and not entirely convinced. Such is the fate of the hopeless (and subsequently, helpless) romantic.
Follow through...

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

No more wine before bed


I had a glass of wine with a very late dinner, and I had the funkiest dreams last night. I woke up every 20 minutes or so and had the most unfitful rest ever. I dreamed that I was away some place for a guy friend's wedding, and then he told me he was in love with me and wanted to call off his wedding. I was like whatever, I work for the rescue squad, and went off to my job at the rescue squad station. Instead, I ended up at this carnival-type thing where there were a bunch of photo booths and roller coasters and lo and behold, my favorite ex was just sitting around on some couches chillin' with one of his friends, who mysteriously vanished during the course of my dream. I was wearing my glasses. (I never wear my glasses.) I remember I was wearing my glasses because when he leaned in to kiss me, they fogged up, and I pushed them back on my nose after he said, "Will you marry me?" We hadn't seen each other in years. He must've been thinking about it. I pretended I didn't hear him because he said it so softly, but then he repeated himself and I was forced to answer. I must have said yes because I soon started receiving text messages from all of my friends and agonizing over who to invite to my wedding and who my bridesmaids were gonna be and how I was gonna keep it small. Shortly thereafter, there was an announcement that one of my 23 year old lady friends was going to get married to her 21 year old beau, and I thought, "Gosh... they're so gonna get a divorce bc a 21 year old guy is going to wanna go out and go crazy bc he hasn't done it yet." And then I realized, "Whoah... I'm way too young to get married. Even if Mr. X is older than me." And then I woke up.

Dude, I don't even want to get married anytime soon. And it freaks me out that I dreamed I was gonna marry an old ex, who has been out of my life for a long time.
Follow through...