Where did all the romance go?

We were having an Undeclared marathon tonight after a long weekend of packing and moving and unpacking and cleaning. Granted, he just moved two floors down, so it wasn't a difficult move, but it was a well-deserved day of vegging out on the couch watching ten episodes of a tv show I didn't know existed until it came out on DVD. Steven puts together a romantic evening for Lizzie with candles and dancing and a massage... And as we're watching, JP jokingly asks me if the romance is still alive in our relationship. My first instinct is to say, well, he's not really a romantic guy. Then I think better of it and tell him there's still romance... maybe. I could love him. I might love him even now. I already told him I did, but that was partly because I felt pressured to say it and partly because I want to feel it and partly because I might. But I feel like I was drawn into this relationship based on false advertising. When we first started seeing each other, we went out on dates, I got dressed up, he sent me flowers for Valentine's Day... and now, he doesn't even call me on my birthday because I'm in France, and I can't remember the last time he asked me out on a date. I realize that we eat together a lot, but it is never something pre-planned or special anymore. This makes me a little sad. Follow through...

Just in case

You never know when you might need a shoulder to cry on. Perhaps tears of sadness, hopefully those of uncontrollable laughter. And then it is a strange bird, it is. Follow through...

The inexplicable urge to cry

I think I'm a pretty laid-back person. I would even go as far as to say that I am not only laid-back, I'm actually kind of cool. Most of the time, that is. But there is something about this city that makes me a little crazy. Since moving here, I have twice encountered a strange and foreign phenomenon: the inexplicable urge to cry.



I know what triggers it; and it's completely and totally irrational. I can actually look at the situation and I want to laugh at myself for being absolutely ridiculous, but my chest tightens up and panic wells and tears fill my eyes. It's happened two times, and both times, it started with JP joking around about getting with Suki.

I know full well that it's preposterous. Suki would never do such a thing to me. But then he'll take it just a little too far, and I begin to think that if this is the only thing he can seem to joke about, is there any seed of truth to it? Not because anything would ever happen, but given the choice between me or my smart and sassy best friend, I really think he would choose her if he thought he had a realistic shot.

There it goes again, that tight feeling in my chest. And I want to cry.

But the reason this urge to cry is one I deem inexplicable is because I really don't think I have feelings for him that are deep enough to warrant this kind of feeling. Or has it been so long since I've had a boyfriend that I've actually forgotten what it feels like to be jealous? I don't ever remember wanting to cry out of jealousy before.

Maybe it's because I'm PMS-ing. Maybe it's that, and the combination of work-related stress.

But I'm baffled because though I am 100% faithful, I have not written off other men in my life entirely. They know I am dating someone and that we are staying in touch only as friends. You know. Pretending we haven't seen each other naked. It's surprisingly easy to do with MF, but I guess that's because it's been so long that I don't remember and don't care to revisit. We've officially entered friend territory to the point of no return. H is going that route, as well. I had him over for dinner the other night and while I always enjoy hanging out with him, I'm actually 98% positive we are utterly incompatible beyond a casual friendship.

But C... I wonder what would happen if we ever did live in the same city. But I won't know for five years. And some lovely girl will probably rope him in long before I realize it's too late. Follow through...