Smug

In the last week, I've gotten text messages from two of my exes. They weren't all that profound, but they were just profound enough to instill in me a deep sense of satisfaction, to the point of smugness. I've been very much a Carrie, always having trouble letting go of the special men in my life, the three of them being G, M, and C. I tend to fear that I really did have the best thing that ever happened to me and that he slipped away. Well, Carrie no more. I don't wonder about any of them, whether we'll ever be together again or any of that nonsense. Now, thoughts of these men arouse in me little stirrings of nostalgia, but no desire. And finally, smugness.

G is the reason I initially considered moving to LA. I wanted to be closer to him, and I wanted to work in media (and I didn't like NYC). He and I had been on-again, off-again (a whole lot more off) for about 4 years. (In between, I did have other serious prospects so I don't even know that on-again off-again is an accurate description.) This is the first guy I thought I loved. And he broke my heart numerous times, yet I clung to the hope that we would one day be together because that's just how things were meant to be. But the last time I came out to LA, he was a total dickhead to me. He went to Vegas with friends of mine that I introduced him to, met up with more of my friends there, and didn't return any of my calls, texts, emails, etc for four months. Then he hears I was in LA interviewing and that I got a job, and has the audacity to leave me a voice mail telling me I should have called him while I was in town so we could have hung out. WHAT? Listen, asshole, if you drop off the face of the planet for four months, I'm not exactly gonna be swinging from your nuts because you leave me one stupid voice message. That was back in June. At the time, I was still hurt and angry, so I simply texted back with a "Thanks" in response to his congratulations. Then, after arriving in LA, I decided to be mature and just dropped a line letting him know I was in town. He texted me last night with "I was here in Utah (that's where he's from) looking through some of my old stuff (aka all the lovey dovey shit I used to send him) and was wondering how u are doing... I hope all is well with the LA life." I thought to myself... haha have fun walking down memory lane but I passed that street a long time ago. It's so childish of me to feel so good knowing that he's thinking of me, and I could give two shits about how he's doing at this point. But I'd like to be friends with him so I can get a discount on shoes at Nordstroms.

M? I dunno, I've just accepted the fact that he and I won't ever be together again. Suki still hopes we will, but he's a dear friend to me, and nothing more. No drama there.

And C. He and I were just starting to get serious when I left for Europe, but he'd done me so much wrong in the past. I think he may have started to reform, but none of that matters anymore. He missed his chance. He could have treated me better when I was crazy about him, but he didn't. And that factored into my decision to cut things off with him even though they seemed to be getting good because I met a man who treats me like gold now. So his prodding "Hey... how are ya"s just don't cut it.

It doesn't seem like much, but knowing G and C, two people who never ever EVER talk about their feelings, I know this is a subtle way for them to let me know they are thinking about me. How sweet. Suckers. I hope you miss me because you both had a good thing going for a while. I would have done almost anything for you.