Monday, October 04, 2004

Letting go

I've always had a huge problem with letting go. It was only recently that I decided to try and solve that problem of mine. With the help of one amazing guy, I started to change and mature in ways I didn't realize were possible. I stopped thinking about the things that I felt had passed me by, about the ways I had so royally screwed up that there was no turning back. I stopped blaming myself for things that were beyond my control, and began to accept some of my shortcomings as human, flawed. And for a while there it was this wonderful period of self-discovery and indulgence. Somewhere, though, I stopped to really look at what was going on and found that I was being selfish, taking taking and taking more and more while the person who had opened me up was giving giving and giving until it hurt. It made me sad. And I was sorry. But I didn't want to get off this trajectory just yet, and I realized how immature I was being. I knew it wasn't fair to be the one taking all the time, unwilling to compromise. I didn't want to be selfish anymore because the giver deserved better than that. The giver was one of the best things that ever happened to me, but sometimes you just don't deserve the best things in life, and it's good to be able to know that and let go. Follow through...