Love yourself

It's tough, but necessary. Before being able to give fully to another person, you must love yourself.

Carrie: Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

I think too often, we seek some sort of completion of self in another person. Does that strike anyone else as oxymoronic? But we are, I believe, at our best when we are happy with who we are and where we are in life. That is when we have the most to offer to others. Our own happiness, though, should never be dependent on anyone or anything else. How you get to be happy, I couldn't tell you, but I do know you gotta love yourself first.

Sacrificing for relationships, by the way, is bullshit. Sacrifice, by definition, is giving without any intent of receiving. If all you ever do is sacrifice for love, you're in a fucked up relationship. The way I see it, everything in a relationship ought to be reciprocol. If you give, the other person better be giving something back, too. I'm not saying it's gotta be an eye for an eye kind of thing, just that in the larger scheme of the relationship, there should be some kind of balance. Otherwise, you're not respecting yourself and you're settling for less than you deserve. Don't bend over backwards for someone who does not want to bend at all. Understand, though, that the other person may not bend the same way that you do. If they are trying, great. The effort is what counts, first. As long as the will is there, the rest will follow. If you value yourself, you will find it easier and easier not to waste your time with relationships that are not worth it. This goes for romance and friendship alike. I guess what I'm trying to say is make sure you've got your own shit straight, that you are comfortable in your own skin, before you go off on some quest to save someone from himself. Don't try to be someone else's crutch if you're having trouble standing strong on your own. You are your own best friend, and your own worst enemy, and probably your harshest critic, too. Once you learn self-love, the love you have to give to others will be less flawed and more fulfilling. Follow through...

Easy words

Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words. Closer.

Is it really that easy to say, "I love you?" I mean, I understand that actions speak more loudly than words, but I don't think it's all that easy to utter those three words to someone. In my experience, it has been perhaps more difficult for me to say those words than it has been to live them. It isn't that I don't think I've ever been in love, (in fact, to the contrary, I think I've been in love many times) it's that I am paralyzed by fear. I have always been scared out of my wits at the possibility that the person to whom I would like to say "I love you" would not reciprocate, and one of my greatest fears in life, being unloved, would be confirmed.

Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age. Anais Nin.

I don't think love is some static, constant thing. I would define love as the complete giving of all that one has to offer at any particular point in one's life. For instance, when I was 17 I was convinced I had fallen in love with a boy I met at a church conference in Tennessee. Every fiber of my being trembled with longing for this boy; I couldn't stop thinking of him; I wanted only to make him happy. When I was 19, I looked back at that time in my life and laughed at myself. How silly I was. But now, I look back and I consider each time I was in love legitimate. Puppy love, shmuppy love. At that point in time, given my emotional maturity, I offered my purest and most precious gift of self. If I were to offer another man that now, it'd be a lot more meaningful because I've grown since then, and my capacity to love has expanded. I look forward to the day when I reach full capacity! Cheers to all the heartbreak, the growth, and the love in the many years to come. When I am 82 and in love, I hope I feel just as fulfilled as when I was 17 and in love, 19 and in love, and so on and so forth. Follow through...

Be my Valentine

Most of my girlfriends think I'm crazy, but I love Valentine's Day. It is my favorite holiday. Yes, even when I'm single. Why? I think it's because I like the idea of dedicating a day to the celebration of love and romance. I don't care if it's been adulterated by this absurd need to give expensive gifts (I mean, really, it's not like this is the only commericalized holiday we celebrate, puh-leeze). When February rolls around, inevitably, my thoughts wander to matchmaking, ex-boyfriends, and chocolate. For the past two years on Xanga, I prefaced each entry with love quotes. I think I'll mix it up a little this year. Some images, some quotes, some lyrics. I am also a self-proclaimed Valentine's Day consultant. Boys and girls: if you are having trouble thinking up things to do for your hunny, have no fear, Miss M is here! You know how in The Wedding Planner, JLo's character says "Those who can't wed, plan?" That's like me on V-day. Since I can't do anything for a non-existent boyfriend, I help plan out other people's V-days. And I send my single friends Valentine's day gifts because even those without boyfriends should know that someone loves them. (Side note: Most boys I know are amazingly devoid of creative juices when it comes to romance. I will write more on planning the perfect V-day in a later entry. Feel free to leave questions or comments if there are things you would like for me to address. Need ideas? Short on cash? What is your excuse for being a sucky and utterly uncreative bf? Or gf, for that matter?)

All too often, I think we forget that love is more than the burning desire in your loins when you see that special someone. There are so many different forms, and I don't see any reason why the other types of love are any less deserving of celebration. Familial love: how often do you tell your parents and siblings that you love them, and show it? Best friend love: whether your best friends are in relationships or not, they should be reminded that no matter what a silly man might think of them, they are wonderful and beautiful and loved. Heavenly love: I don't thank God enough for his unfailing love. The problem is, when you know you can count on something, you tend to abuse it, consciously or otherwise. Admit it. We're all guilty! Follow through...

Single

Warning: this entry does not flow well, and it is long and whiny. Read at your own risk.

I'm single again. You may have noticed that I've been updating every day for a few days now. It's a byproduct of having too much time on my hands all of a sudden, I suppose. I haven't mentioned that I was dating anyone, mostly because I like to keep my private life fairly private. I am picky about the people to whom I expose my vulnerabilities. There is very little that I deem too sacred for blogging. During the life of a relationship, it is sacred. After the relationship is dead, though, I am allowed to talk about it. So I am. It's over, and I was devastated, and I'm in that delicate post-breakup phase. I really wish I had some close girl friends in LA. *Sigh*

I am a very passionate person. I live for spontaneity and adrenaline rushes. In my relationships, I dislike holding back any of my feelings, even if it means I'm going to get hurt. The way I see it, if we lived in fear of getting hurt all the time, things would move at snail's pace and we'd miss out on all the other opportunities we might've had while we were draggin' things out with one person. Might as well milk it for what it's worth and get it over with.

That said, I am easily hurt, and often. But as my girls will attest, I have the resiliency of a bouncy ball, and it has been improving over time. It used to take me forever to get over someone (the special ones, I never truly get over), but in the past year, something has changed in me. I've learned to let go of hope, which can be a beautiful but dangerous thing. Hope* can keep you going, but it can also drown you in dark pools of delusion. Sometimes we need to give ourselves a nice, hard kick in the ass and say out loud, "He's just not that into me." The hard part is realizing that it's not your fault. So follow the previous statement with, "And he's a fool for it. I don't like fools, therefore he is not worthy of me." And go on with your bad self.

Confidence is the sexiest quality that anyone can possess. Note: I said confidence, and there is a fine line between confidence and cockiness. I think most women I know lack confidence. Even my most beautiful friends look in the mirror and wonder if they're pretty or not, and every woman I know has wondered, at some point, what she's done wrong in the relationship, why he doesn't reciprocate when she's done everything right. Well, if indeed she has done everything right, then it's not her, it's him. He's not right for you anyway, so there's no use in crying over spilt milk. Let's move on. Repeat after me: I deserve someone who appreciates me. You do, and if he doesn't, it's not your fault. Not necessarily his, either. Sometimes you just don't click. Maybe it's not the right time, maybe it's not the right guy. We don't need to blame anyone.

All of that aside, it's a lot easier said than done. I've been trying very hard not to blame myself and very hard not to blame him. And I've been trying to convince myself that I am fabulous, even though I feel completely, totally, and utterly unfabulous right now. If anything, I blame it on the move. I love LA, and I am glad I came out here, but I really really REALLY wish I had some close girl friends. I want shopping/ coffee/ martini buddies. I want to be able to talk about boys and making out. I want to go to a club in a big group and get in for free without waiting in line just because I'm with a bunch of cute girls. I miss all of that. My former roommates are great, but they've got their own lives and they're always busy, so I don't like to bug them too often to play with me.

At first he just said he needed some space. I knew better. I knew something deeper was going on, and that it would only be a matter of time before things completely fell apart. I started bawling. He was confused, bc all he has said was that he needed some space bc he was feeling smothered. I wasn't only bawling bc I knew I was going to lose him, but I was bawling bc I hated the fact that I had let myself suffocate him. I was blaming myself again. I had realized we were spending a lot of time together, but I was being selfish about it. I could have sought out new friends or met with ones who lived a little further away, but I was so comfortable walking one block to his house or hanging out with our mutual friends in the area so I was never motivated enough to go beyond a 3 mile radius of my own apartment. This, I'm sure you can guess, severely limited my social life, and I had really shot myself in the foot.

A brief aside: my apologies for the total lack of organization in this entry, but it's more a semi-stream of consciousness. I am a little discombobulated right now. Still not quite right in the head.

If I had some good girl friends, people I really wanted to hang out with, here in LA, I think that would've saved my relationship. But I became so dependent on him for all of my social needs that he never had any time to himself. Me? I hate being alone. Given the choice, I almost always opt to be in someone else's presence, though lately, that choice has not been mine. Dammit. I need friends! The guys from work are awesome, and i love hanging out with them, but I see them all the time at work and I don't want them to get sick of me, too.

I think I'm gonna go to Vegas this weekend. My favorite ex called and asked me to meet him there. If I were still with the bf, I would've said no without blinking an eye, but the ex called when I was newly broken up and terribly distraught and in need of a friend. I think it'll do me good to get away from here for a weekend, and he's someone who knows me very well. I'm quite fond of him, and it's not because I care to get back together with him at all. It's just so comfortable.

Wow. What a disjointed entry. Fact is, I'm still distraught and confused, trying to suck up the tears and put a smile on my face. This shit ain't easy, but I know I'll be okay. Why? Because I am fabulous, whether a man recognizes it or not. Follow through...

LDFs

Everyone has a long-distance flirt, or LDF. Long-distance flirting is definitely one of my favorite pasttimes. Why? Because it is safe. There is no obligation to deliver, no need to think up elaborate excuses to duck booty calls at 4 am, no worrying about what/ who he is doing. I mean, really, if you're separated by hundreds or even thousands of miles, chances are, a little flirting isn't gonna hurt anyone. At the very worst, unwanted long-distance advances can be stopped short simply by ignoring the phone call or clicking the X button on the IM screen. No harm, no foul. But when you're feeling down and out and your self esteem could use a little boost or two, your LDF is always there to put you up on your pedestal, right where you belong. He doesn't know how fat or ugly or unloved you feel, and he sure as heck can't see it if you're having a bad hair day or you've gained 10 pounds. (Unless you webcam, but that opens a whole 'nother can o' worms.) Inside his head, he has but an imperfect memory of you and how perfect you are, and you indulge him. The occasional drunk dial keeps things lively, and when you wake up in the morning, head pounding, you needn't fret about the things you said and didn't mean because it's not like you have to face him in person anytime soon. By then, your sins will be long-forgotten. Chances are, you only talk to him in spurts, anyway.

I've found that LDFs are most useful after you've just fought with or broken up with your within-proximity flame. It's not cheating, because you have no intention of having a real relationship with this guy anyway, but it sure does feel nice to have that cushion to fall back on. While you are lamenting love lost or prowling anew, your LDF can fill the affection deficit in your life. LDFs are usually (a) exes with whom you've had healthy love affairs that ended for reasons neither of you really remembers anymore, or (b) hookups with whom you experienced brief but steamy physical encounters that never progressed into anything more, or (c) guys/ guys friends who always had the hots for you but weren't able to admit it until you were separated.

Perhaps it is selfish and disgusting and pathetic and vile to use another person to make you feel better about yourself, but hey, as long as no one is getting hurt, why not? Like many things in life, it's so wrong, but it feels so right.

The golden rules of LDF-ing according to Professor M:

• The possibility/ feasibility of actually having a real relationship must be nil, and understood as such by both parties. If this is not the case, you are at risk of causing heartache or getting hurt.
  
• LDFing sessions must not occur continually for long periods of time because one party may forget rule number one and get the crazy idea to have a real, long-distance relationship. It is best to use your LDF sparingly, not only to avoid catchin' feelin's, but also to keep the (relative) novelty intact.
  
• When your LDF is dating someone seriously (and you are aware of it), you must not contact him until he contacts you. It's common courtesy not to fuck with his head (and his girlfriend's sense of security) when he's in a real, within-proximity relationship.
• When you and your LDF are within one another's proximity, be advised that hooking up could potentially ruin your non-commital and mutually beneficial ego-boosting.

Follow through...