LDFs

Everyone has a long-distance flirt, or LDF. Long-distance flirting is definitely one of my favorite pasttimes. Why? Because it is safe. There is no obligation to deliver, no need to think up elaborate excuses to duck booty calls at 4 am, no worrying about what/ who he is doing. I mean, really, if you're separated by hundreds or even thousands of miles, chances are, a little flirting isn't gonna hurt anyone. At the very worst, unwanted long-distance advances can be stopped short simply by ignoring the phone call or clicking the X button on the IM screen. No harm, no foul. But when you're feeling down and out and your self esteem could use a little boost or two, your LDF is always there to put you up on your pedestal, right where you belong. He doesn't know how fat or ugly or unloved you feel, and he sure as heck can't see it if you're having a bad hair day or you've gained 10 pounds. (Unless you webcam, but that opens a whole 'nother can o' worms.) Inside his head, he has but an imperfect memory of you and how perfect you are, and you indulge him. The occasional drunk dial keeps things lively, and when you wake up in the morning, head pounding, you needn't fret about the things you said and didn't mean because it's not like you have to face him in person anytime soon. By then, your sins will be long-forgotten. Chances are, you only talk to him in spurts, anyway.

I've found that LDFs are most useful after you've just fought with or broken up with your within-proximity flame. It's not cheating, because you have no intention of having a real relationship with this guy anyway, but it sure does feel nice to have that cushion to fall back on. While you are lamenting love lost or prowling anew, your LDF can fill the affection deficit in your life. LDFs are usually (a) exes with whom you've had healthy love affairs that ended for reasons neither of you really remembers anymore, or (b) hookups with whom you experienced brief but steamy physical encounters that never progressed into anything more, or (c) guys/ guys friends who always had the hots for you but weren't able to admit it until you were separated.

Perhaps it is selfish and disgusting and pathetic and vile to use another person to make you feel better about yourself, but hey, as long as no one is getting hurt, why not? Like many things in life, it's so wrong, but it feels so right.

The golden rules of LDF-ing according to Professor M:

• The possibility/ feasibility of actually having a real relationship must be nil, and understood as such by both parties. If this is not the case, you are at risk of causing heartache or getting hurt.
  
• LDFing sessions must not occur continually for long periods of time because one party may forget rule number one and get the crazy idea to have a real, long-distance relationship. It is best to use your LDF sparingly, not only to avoid catchin' feelin's, but also to keep the (relative) novelty intact.
  
• When your LDF is dating someone seriously (and you are aware of it), you must not contact him until he contacts you. It's common courtesy not to fuck with his head (and his girlfriend's sense of security) when he's in a real, within-proximity relationship.
• When you and your LDF are within one another's proximity, be advised that hooking up could potentially ruin your non-commital and mutually beneficial ego-boosting.