The inexplicable urge to cry

I think I'm a pretty laid-back person. I would even go as far as to say that I am not only laid-back, I'm actually kind of cool. Most of the time, that is. But there is something about this city that makes me a little crazy. Since moving here, I have twice encountered a strange and foreign phenomenon: the inexplicable urge to cry.



I know what triggers it; and it's completely and totally irrational. I can actually look at the situation and I want to laugh at myself for being absolutely ridiculous, but my chest tightens up and panic wells and tears fill my eyes. It's happened two times, and both times, it started with JP joking around about getting with Suki.

I know full well that it's preposterous. Suki would never do such a thing to me. But then he'll take it just a little too far, and I begin to think that if this is the only thing he can seem to joke about, is there any seed of truth to it? Not because anything would ever happen, but given the choice between me or my smart and sassy best friend, I really think he would choose her if he thought he had a realistic shot.

There it goes again, that tight feeling in my chest. And I want to cry.

But the reason this urge to cry is one I deem inexplicable is because I really don't think I have feelings for him that are deep enough to warrant this kind of feeling. Or has it been so long since I've had a boyfriend that I've actually forgotten what it feels like to be jealous? I don't ever remember wanting to cry out of jealousy before.

Maybe it's because I'm PMS-ing. Maybe it's that, and the combination of work-related stress.

But I'm baffled because though I am 100% faithful, I have not written off other men in my life entirely. They know I am dating someone and that we are staying in touch only as friends. You know. Pretending we haven't seen each other naked. It's surprisingly easy to do with MF, but I guess that's because it's been so long that I don't remember and don't care to revisit. We've officially entered friend territory to the point of no return. H is going that route, as well. I had him over for dinner the other night and while I always enjoy hanging out with him, I'm actually 98% positive we are utterly incompatible beyond a casual friendship.

But C... I wonder what would happen if we ever did live in the same city. But I won't know for five years. And some lovely girl will probably rope him in long before I realize it's too late.