Heart vomit

If a man isn't good enough to be a boyfriend but not quite hot enough to be a fling, you're better off alone.

All three of my best friends from college are in committed, loving relationships that will likely lead to marriage sometime in the foreseeable future. Me, on the other hand? It's been so long since I've had a steady boyfriend that I'm afraid I don't remember how. Frankly, while I am bursting from the seams with joy for their happiness, somewhere in the chaos that is my brain/heart/soul, I feel nervousness welling up like a great fountain of... vomit. Again, I must stress that I don't resent the girls for finding men worthy of their attentions, but rather, I'm starting to feel hopelessly behind and what's worse, it's actually making me a little anxious despite the courageous fight I'm putting up, hence the nausea.

I don't see myself settling down with anyone soon. I know I'd like to... if God would just help us cross paths, I'd be delighted. But for now, my main criteria for a meaningful, long-term relationship is that he be mobile. I want to live and work in different countries and cities for the next few years, so if it's going to work, he must have the ability to up and leave, a desire to see the world, and a taste for adventure. Apparently, that's a lot to ask because while a lot of people claim to possess those characteristics, most people lack the follow-through. *Sigh*

So for the last couple of months I've been overcome with nostalgia for past loves and past lives, but at the same time I refuse to believe that there is nothing worthwhile to be had at this moment in my life. My mother went to see a fortuneteller who assured her that I'd get married, but that I wouldn't meet "the one" until 2009. I guess that gives me a carte blanche for two full years to have fun and make mistakes, right? So one might hope. I have come to the conclusion that most men aren't worth your time. The ones who do want to have a relationship have to exhibit more desirable characteristics than men you simply want to keep around for a short while. As for the men you'll keep around for just a short while, they might as well be scorching hot and nice to look at because you sure ain't in it for the conversation.

I'm delirious. Haven't slept properly for two weeks, pretty much. Disregard everything I just said.