Pie chart theory

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine about how the most beautiful people tend to be the craziest girlfriends or the biggest asshole boyfriends. I mean, let's be honest: all girls have a little bit of crazy in them, and all guys are at least part-asshole. But we all know that there are (unspoken & poorly delineated) limits to how crazy you can be or how big a jerk you can be within the confines of social acceptability. And sure enough, the premium placed on aesthetically pleasing outward appearance has led to the amplification of craziness and jerk-iness in ridiculously good-looking people. I'm not talking about moderately good-looking folks here. I'm talking about the turn-your-head-to-look-three-times-in-awe-slash-lust-as-you-walk-down-the-street folks. I'm of the opinion that they become more crazy over time because they get away with increasingly crazy behavior with each successive relationship that would otherwise not be tolerated if it were exhibited by less good-looking people.

But God giveth not with both hands. My roomies and I have formulated a Pie Chart Theory for simple (if superficial) categorization of people into neat little boxes (and by "neat" we mean "expandable"). Let's suppose that every person can be broken down into three basic components: looks, brains, and personality. (Yes, we could make this more complicated but for the sake of brevity, let's limit this to three components). Let's also suppose that everyone has a pie chart. We've all met people whose pie charts are askew. Let's examine some exaggerated examples. Note: We, the Pie Chart Goddesses, (a) use gender interchangeably in the following examples and (b) are grossly skeptical that a true 0% or 100% could actually exist, so these figures are for illustrative purposes only.

Type A: 100% looks, 0% brains, 0% personality. Really, really ridiculously good-looking with shit for brains and no personality to speak of. It's not that he's a bad guy. And he sure is purdy to look at. It's just that he's really kind of... dumb. And he's not a whole heck of a lot of fun to hang out with one-on-one because he simply doesn't have anything interesting to say. Sometimes he forgets he told you a story already, and when you remind him, it's a little awkward because it's not that you mind hearing a good story twice; it's because you mind hearing his story any more times than you have to.

Type B: 50% looks, 50% brains, 0% personality. The good-looking nerd with zero social skills. She gets excited when she talks about how she was able to manipulate the genes of overweight lab rats but she is so abrasive and annoying that despite whatever interest that particular topic might hold for you, you are overwhelmed by a wave of nausea followed by an intense desire to punch her in the nose. You consider making out with her, but only on the condition that she does not speak.

Type C: 50% looks, 0% brains, 50% personality. He's really hot and you can't stop laughing when you're around him because he always has the best stories to tell. It's a shame this is the sixth year he's been a senior college. It's not just that he is a complete idiot, it's that he's not THAT bright and he lacks motivation... it's that he realizes he could leave school and be an MTV VJ because everyone likes to look at him and listen to him talk.

Type D: 0% looks, 50% brains, 50% personality. She's sharp, she's clever, she's witty, she's sweet. But she is NOT cute. At. All. You read her profile on your internet dating website and pretty much fell in love. You see her pic, and she looks awesome. You meet her in person and you think to yourself, "Oh, geez. She looks nothing like her picture. Her picture was way hotter." You wait for your friend's exit call, make up an excuse about a car accident or something, and bail out, never to call the poor girl again. It's the sad, painful truth. Don't lie, Shallow Hal.

Type E: 0% looks, 100% brains, 0% personality. He's not attractive. He's socially awkward and eccentric and maybe even a little bit creepy or inappropriate, but it's only because he's such a friggin' genius that his oversized brain does not leave enough room for the proper processing of data for petty social interactions and this foreign concept of so-called normalcy.

Type F: 0% looks, 0% brains, 100% personality. She's not terribly cute and she's a bit of a ditz, but she is one of the funniest ditzes you know; she is a loyal friend; and while she can't seem to concentrate in any of her classes, she's got a wicked wit. Oftentimes confused with Type D, the only difference here is that Type Fs aren't as booksmart as Type Ds. At a party, when booksmarts don't exactly come into the forefront of conversation, Type Ds and Fs may not be readily discernible from one another. They typically play the role of wingwoman or cockblocker, depending on the signals from the friend in need.

Type G: 1/3 looks, 1/3 brains, 1/3 personality. Can be both a blessing and a curse. If your pie is a small one... well... you could end up being average or worse. If your pie is larger, however, maybe you're just extremely well-balanced. Mmm...

This pie chart concept becomes more complicated when you try to compare one person's pie chart to another. In order to compare, you would have to allot a certain number of points to each candidate because, clearly, a deaf blind mute would probably exhibit less personality, looks, and brains to the common outsider vs say someone you believed to be extremely good-looking, smart, and witty, though in equal parts. Same breakdown in pie chart persona, but entirely different in terms of level of competition. So let's be frank: some people just got a bigger pie. Take , for instance. Let's say said person is allotted a total pie point count of 1000. Let's suppose that someone less impressive only has 600 points. And that someone totally unimpressive only gets 300 points. Each person's pie points are divvied up according to his gifts. So a moderately good-looking person who has shit for brains might have 300 points, all in looks, whereas a ridiculously good-looking person with shit for brains might have 600 points, all in looks. And a ridiculously good-looking person who is moderately intelligent might have 900 points, 600 in looks and 300 in brains.

So goes the Pie Chart Theory.

Questions, class? Follow through...

Peeves

I am not a tidy person. Not even close. But strangely enough, I am pretty anal about two things in my bathroom. One, I hate it when someone uses my toothpaste and squeezes from some random spot in the middle. Can't you tell that I have meticulously been squeezing from the bottom up? And if you borrow my toothpaste or anything else of mine, like condiments, please do not leave a sticky mess on the cap, and if you do leave a sticky mess, please don't wipe it off with your finger because God only knows where that was last. Two, I don't like it when the toilet paper roll is replaced and it's positioned so the tp comes out underneath the roll, as opposed to coming out over the roll. Follow through...

One of the boys

I pride myself on being the kind of girl who can be one of the boys. As a senior in high school, I was determined to jump off of a cliff in Great Falls with the rest of my guy friends. The girls were mostly just laying out on the rocks surrounding the pool of water the boys were jumping into, and I wanted to be the girl who could do what the boys did. You had to clear this little ledge of rocks where the water was shallow (maybe two feet) before you got to the deep part of the pool, where it was safe to jump. At the last minute, I got scared and decided not to jump, but the momentum I had worked up from the little run to the edge of the cliff was enough to send me over, so down I went into two feet of water, landing square on my heels on rocks. I ended up with internal bleeding on both of my heels and a large gash on my left heel that has left a scar to this day. The boys had to piggyback me two miles to get back to the car.

Life hasn't really changed much for me. I've been out of high school for almost six years now. I find that I'm still constantly chasing after the boys, trying to keep up with them in this futile battle to prove... what? I don't even know anymore. That I'm a really cool girl? That I can be one of the guys? That I'm just as capable as any of them? What the heck am I trying to prove?

I work in a testosterone-overloaded commodity brokerage house with fifty-some guys and seven chicks (though there are only three female brokers). It's an environment few women can handle, much less appreciate. Imagine being trapped in a locker room with a football team ten hours a day, five days a week. My office is the post-grad equivalent of a college football team locker room. I wouldn't go as far as calling it an NFL locker room because I suspect that NFL guys are used to having female reporters or trainers around from time to time. The guys I work with? Not so much. I think they're not sure what to make of me: I'm a closer. (Or an opener... I never really understood why when you close someone, it really means you've managed to get them to open an account with you. Why don't they call it opening? I digress.) I open more accounts than most guys at the firm. I am privy to an inordinate amount of information pertaining to my coworkers' private lives. I know intimate things about their wives, girlfriends, flings, and one-night stands. Things I don't want to know. At all. At times, I have been implicated in their private lives. (Let's be honest; many have fallen prey to the temptation that is inter-office canoodling. Plus, the boys at my work aren't half bad. Looks-wise, that is.) We're all entitled to make mistakes, right? Riiiight. Anyway, the boys' favorite topic of conversation (aside from work and market talk) is girl talk. Generally speaking, when they're talking about women, it's not exactly respectful. But I've heard them on the phone with their significant others, and it's amazing how quickly they turn into these huge mushballs, telling their gals how much they love and miss them. There's something about putting a bunch of alpha males into a room together that brings out the worst in them. Get them one on one, and they're actually thinking, feeling human beings.

My roommates and I are also very close to this group of guys who live a couple of blocks away from us. My roommate Meaghan went to college with a couple of guys from Bangor, Maine. Adam, who is her best guy friend from college, pretty much grew up with all of the guys he lives with; some from the age of four, others from junior and senior high. They're like brothers. Adam convinced Ned and Matt to move out here after he'd been here a while, and they then convinced Drew and Ryan to move out here as well. Drew and Ryan have set up residence on the couches for the time being. So the five boys, collectively, are known as our Bangor Boys. We spend most of our spare time with them in some capacity or another. Eating, hiking, partying, watching tv, or wiping out (well, that's just Ryan and me since we're trying to learn how to surf)... we do it together! It's strange to see more than two days go by without seeing a Bangor Boy. Their conversation is not so much centered around how much game they have or the chicks they bagged the other night, but we talk about pretty much everything all around. A few of us went out to eat Indian food the other day and a comparison was drawn between the saag (spinach curry) and a dookie. First of all, if your dookie is that green, it should definitely not be discussed at the dinner table. Second of all, I like saag! I don't like comparisons being drawn between the food I am eating and whatever it is that's in your toilet bowl. Apparently, the boys have an ongoing contest as to who can produce the longest turd. And they take pictures on camera phones and send it to each other. Gross. I will not say which of the boys participate in this venture in the interest of shielding them from shame.

After a rowdy Cinco de Mayo party, I went on a spur of the moment surfing/ camping trip with some guy friends from UVA to Salsipuerdes, Mexico. My little bro Nate was in town this weekend to hang out and surf, and Dave was in town working. (The two of them, by a strange twist of fate, are in Nicaragua right now on a surfing trip, and they surfed together all that weekend.) I hadn't planned on doing anything crazy that weekend because I figured I'd be a wreck after Cinco, but that was not the case at all. I had a minor headache and no plans, so I decided to go to Baja with Nate, Dave, and Dave's friends Rob and Colin. I'll dedicate an entire entry to this trip later on, but for the purposes of this entry, let's talk about nudity. I have never met anyone who likes being naked as much as Nate and Dave like being naked. LOVE being naked. I understand that when a guy puts his wetsuit on, he's usually naked underneath it. I appreciate that it is a liberating feeling to be able to get naked. But really, there are limits to a woman's desire to see butt cracks and penises. In some way, I felt insulted that they were so nonchalant about changing in front of me. I couldn't feign the same degree of nonchalance. I had to avert my eyes. This trip cemented my relationship with Nate and Dave as a strictly platonic one. I might as well have been a dude, for all they cared. And while I was strangely flattered that they thought of me as "one of the boys," I felt almost a little insulted. Am I not a woman? Have I not a vagina?!?!

When Dave woke up from napping by Colin's pool and he had to tuck his semi-hardon into the waistband of his board shorts and the tip fell out, I decided I needed to detox from boys for a little while. An overwhelming urge to reclaim my femininity swept over me and I resolved to overcompensate for all of the boy time I'd had by engaging in over-the-top girly activities. Like watching chick flicks and giving myself a facial and painting my toenails and dressing up and wearing red lipstick. Unfortunately, my chick flick partner bailed on me and I didn't get around to giving myself a facial or painting my toenails, so I settled for red lipstick and a night out in mixed company.

In conclusion, boys are gross, but I like them anyway. However, let it be noted that I am ecstatic about being female. Although I may not be the prototype for a proper lady, I like being treated like one from time to time, and sometimes I'll even play the part. But only sometimes. Follow through...

Acapulco

It was a good trip. I've been to Cancun and Puerto Vallarta, and Acapulco was still different. You can see either the bay or the ocean from anywhere you go in Acapulco, so it's easy to dine on the waterfront. I tried red snapper cooked about six different ways, and thoroughly enjoyed the best huevos rancheros I've ever had. Snorkeling was a little disappointing, but I got my ocean swimming in when I swam out to the barge. Sunned in the shallow water in the adults only pool. Birds' Island and the lagoon tour were perfect, alligator, turtles, little boy with bracelets for sale, and all... it's too bad I got bamboozled by the seedy Mexican dude who wanted me to ride his horse. Mud mask facials and coconut drinks. Hammocks and a secluded beach. Cliffdivers and ceviche. Scrabble squabbles and relaxation. Palm trees and freshly fallen mangos. Follow through...

Funniest responses to the CL ad

V does not stand for VICTORY, it stands for Valentine's Day. And as Valentine's days come, I'd have to say this one ranked on my list of top five. And not for reasons you might imagine.

I want to throw a disclaimer out there: I'm really not a complete bitch. Yes, sometimes I can be a bitch. This entry is probably going to be one of those times. But come on, humor me.

Let's start off with some of the responses that we got from the good people of
Craigslist. We asked the guys to answer five questions for us:

1. What's your first name? (We don't need your last; we're not trying to get married.)
2. How old are you? (If you are not yet of legal drinking age or you are old enough to be our fathers, you needn't respond.)
3. Why should we pick you?
4. Why did you pick us?
5. Anything else you want us to know.

Bachelor: Romantic and naughty ----- This is my favorite horrible response, by the way.

My lucky no is 3. I am s****. By the way I live in pasadena and work in bank. I am 31, I am originally from India. I am fun loving, easy going and laid back. I am romantic and naughty. I did masters in computer science. Let me know what else you want to know plewas.

This had to be a joke. Tell me this was a joke. Because it was that frickin' funny. I keep picturing this earnest, Indian computer science guy saying, "I am romantic and naughty." And I can't stop laughing. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it. It's funny.

Bachelor: Ratsa Ruck

Ha!

You guys are hilarious!

I may be old enought to be one of your Fathers, but probably am not unless
your Moms went to Universities in Wisconsin, Montana or Colorado - I only
have vague memories of those dayz...

1) My name is R (Removal of name, mine. It'd be mean not to protect their identities.)
2) I'm 38
3) You should pick me because I'm square, unhip, and conservative - just the
opposite of you!
4) I picked you because your picken' up the bill, right? See, I'm trying to
get the whole equality thing.
5) Hmmm, I'm 6'2", 215, light brown hair, blue eyes, have been to 32
countries and chicks dig me.

If you don't pick me I still wish you "Ratsa Ruck" - as my Japanese friend
says!

Truly,
R

You know, this guy was pretty funny, and aside from the fact that he's definitely old enough to be one of our dads, I didn't dig his little "Ratsa Ruck" comment. I feel like when you joke around in an e-mail, you have to be careful, especially if you're not sure how the other person will read it. I was kind of offended. Is it me, or does it seem stupid to send that kind of comment to an Asian girl he doesn't know at all?

Bachelor: Whisperer

3. Why should we pick you?
I'll whisper sweet music into your ears.

Are you serious? I checked out the guy's MySpace link to try and figure out whether he was trying to be funny or if he was seriously that cheesy. It ended up lookin' like the latter.

Bachelor: Mr. Mysterious

To Melody just wanted to say i can't believe there is still beautiful single
people out there.by the way my name is well right back then I'll tell you.

Listen, buddy. First off, "right" and "write" are not interchangeable. "Is" is
singular and cannot be used with "people" which is plural. Also, selective capitalization irks me. It's okay if you don't capitalize at all, or use all caps, or use proper caps, but don't mix it up. When this is all I have to go by, a little grammar checking wouldn't kill you. Finally, I'm not going to be duped by your "right back then I'll tell you" maneuver. Mostly because you used your real name to register for your Hotmail account, so it shows up when you e-mail anyone. I already know your name, dumbass.

Bachelor: Canned response

Hello... my name is D
I’m a single 6’0” tall man. and if you met me out you'd find me rather interesting. I take time daily to maintain my overall physical fitness by eating right and being diligent to a formal exercise regimen. I’m a non-smoker and don’t use drugs. I am amply endowed and plesantly blessed and with both equipment and a vibrant sex drive.

My mixed ethnic heritage gives me my exotic looks and a good upbringing provides me with a high likeability factor in addition to a strong sense of self worth. I am polite and well mannered and treat women with respect.

I am a fiscally responsible and earn a living through creative pursuits. I am a dedicated man. World travelled, cultured and spiritual. Open minded, positive, gracious outgoing, spontaneous and lots of fun. I consider myself to be a sexy, hot passionate man. A good guy with a bad boy look. I am ambitious, motivated well groomed, tidy and have great personal hygene. I have a great fashion sense
and style sensibility.

I am into music, movies, hiking, leisurely walking, art, cycling, racing my car, photography (the latter two being my hobbies) or just hanging out. I am an intelligent man with substance and an aptitude for current and classic style. I am goal oriented and able to carry a conversation in any crowd.

I am interested in developing the best relationship of my life that could possibly turn into a long term deal for the both of us. Please attach a photo in your reply, not that it matters, its just that i’d like to know who i am speaking with.

looking forward to talking with you soon

Thank you

I'm not really going to go into his utter lack of understanding of commas, periods, and capitalization. What I will say is that this is obviously a canned response, something he cuts and pastes to every ad on Craigslist. He seems to think he's pretty damn perfect, which is kind of annoying, and he tries to use big words but he doesn't achieve the desired effect. Unless, of course, the desired effect is for the reader to laugh out loud or throw up a little bit in her mouth. Let's review some of the lessons learned from this e-mail.

-Don't send generic responses to specific requests.
-If you're going to use big words, don't overdo it. You sound like you're trying too hard.
-Try not to be redundant. We got that you’re a well groomed guy when you wrote it the first time. You don’t have to tell us that you’re tidy and have great personal hygiene, too, especially not all in the same sentence.
-Don't refer to your sex drive or your penis in the introductory e-mail. We don't care.
-Toot your own horn in moderation.
- Learn to spell and use proper grammar.
-Would a little humor kill ya?

I wasn't going to post pictures, but you've got to see this one. I figure he's in sunglasses so it's kind of anonymous.


I shit you not. Note the jewelry, the pose, the background. It's too much. TOO MUCH for me to handle. Not to mention, he's like 40 years old.

Bachelor: Shorty

i'm short, only 5'7" so which one on the pic is shorter than 5'7" or who
don't mind me being 5'7"? if there's none, you don't have to reply to me. if
i get your reply, you get my pic.

1. What's your first name? (We don't need your last; we're not trying to get
married.)
- RJ

2. How old are you? (If you are not yet of legal drinking age or you are old
enough to be our fathers, you needn't respond.)
- 23

3. Why should we pick you?
- if you don't pick me, it's your loss.

4. Why did you pick us?
- i didn't pick you girls. you were available.

5. Anything else you want us to know.
- absolutamente nada

What a jackass. And a short jackass, to boot. Did he really think we'd bother responding to a jackass?

Bachelor: Conceited much?

Whats going on ladies? OK, here is the good stuff that you wanted to know ...

1. My name is V
2. I am 24 yrs old ... and I am 5'11 and 175lbs
3. You should pick me for a few reasons. I am a really cool and chill guy, and I am super funny and can make anyone laugh. Plus I am into the same types of movies that you are all into. I saw you had quotes from "Old School," "Wedding Crashers," and "Anchorman" in you're post. I freaking love Will Ferell and everything that he has been in. You have to admit that I'm pretty awesome for catching all of that. You should also pick me because I know how to party and have a good time. You don't want some lame guy going there who is not going to enjoy himself and who is going to be a downer and bring everyone else down. I am defiantly not a downer, in fact, I am usually the life of the party. And lastly, not to sound too conceded, but I am good looking and in really good shape. And let's face, were all young and attractive. And being realistic, good looking people like other good looking people. So these are just a small sampling of the many many reasons you should pick me.
4. I picked you for the same reasons you should pick me. We are all good looking, you seem like you're cool and like to have a good time, and our personalities are very similar (for example, me knowing those quotes and loving those movies)
5. There sure is ...
Melody : I don't have any tats, but I have my eyebrow and my nipples pierced. You love live music, dancing and drinking. Well I am a musician who's band is going to go on tour in a few months, i like drinking, lol and when I drink the right amount I sure as hell love dancing. And as an added bonus you don't have to worry about me not using spell check, I have a history degree from CSUN (I'm actually only 2 semesters away from my masters) lol so it is just ingrained into my head to use it.
Megan: I don't have curly hair, but my nose is kinda crooked, lol you can be the judge, and i sure as hell have big muscles. I don't have an accent, I am a so. Cal. boy born and raised, and I'm actually a Raiders fan. I thought taking Randy Moss away from you're Vikings would make my team better, but we sucked again this year ? And i have a great sense of humor and a 6 pack

Lauren: I am a really laid back guy too, plus I am in Hollywood a lot going to different places. (my favorite is the rainbow bar, it is right next to the Roxy on Sunset) Depending on where i go i can wear jeans and a t-shirt or I love getting dressed up and going out ..... the pic i sent is from when i went out to a club that had an 80's night about 2 weeks ago. It was a blast, lol my friends tell me I had a good time, but I don't remember too much of it.

Alright ladies I think my time is just about up. To be perfectly honest you should pick me, I am everything that you are looking for and I know we would have a good time. Lol i hope that doesn't make me sound like an asshole, but its the truth.

Talk to you later,
V

In short, sounds a little cocky and is not exactly the brightest bulb in the batch, although he seems to believe he is brilliant and doesn’t need to use spellcheck. He doesn’t seem to realize that spellcheck can’t tell you that “conceited” means arrogant and that “conceded” means gave in, something else entirely. In the same vein, spellcheck will not be able to tell you that “defiantly” is not the same thing as “definitely.” And I am not going to say anything else because I think his reply speaks for itself.

Bachelor: Hard body

I'M WHITE MALE 25
5-11
160
DARK HAIR
BLUE EYES
HARD BODY

He sent us three photos. Here's a sample:

Gross!

Bachelor: Sailing grandpa

Hi There! Well,,,,I don't know if I qualify,,,but I don't have ANY fear of
introducing myself. My name is R. My personality is of the sweet type. my look is of the tall dark and handsome type. I'm single, but love a good intimate relationship! No children and never married. Now get this,,,my age,,maybe to old for you, maybe not! I'm 48! I have a youthful look and youth spirit and at heart. I love to sail to Catalina, along with easy harbor cruises with a drink and appetizers. I'm in pretty good shape. I won't lie and say I'm a hardbody. I do have a couple extra pounds on my waist. But I wear it well. I think that my interest in in either Megan or Meaghan. BUT! any sweetie would be fun for me!! here's my photos and tell me if I'm in! Love you,,,,,R

Love you? LOVE YOU?!?!? What guy in his right mind would write that?!?! I want to put the pic up but it's way too clear a shot of his face. Let's just say that he looks at least 55 and grandfather-ish. He sent us a picture of him sitting on his boat. And sitting in his boat. And in front of a painting of a boat. We get it. You like sailing. That doesn't make you any younger, gramps.

Bachelor: Feeltoomuch

I am looking for friends and of course that great love but that comes from great friends. I have always been best friends with whoever I am dating and usually the best friend to all of my friends.

About me you might ask, well first off I am 27. I am well traveled. I have visited China, Malaysia, Singapore, France, Norway, and Hawaii a couple times a year. I am a photographer, and I moved to LA from Texas last week and I am working steadily. I am not extremely social, however I am not an introvert. I am complicated, deep, emotional and very insightful. I am looking for a relationship but I believe it will come from friends and trust. I think my personality is going through a phase and I am going to be doing some soul searching because my personality isn¹t what it should be. I would categorize myself in an odd way. I would say I have a woman¹s emotions, a country boy¹s attitude, a new Yorkers drive and a California heart. This very odd combination lets me blend in anywhere and fit in almost nowhere. I am looking for a friend that can appreciate my incredible devotion to the people in my life and occasionally overlook the tactless honesty that I sometimes project. I am 6' and thin, I don¹t watch sports, I do drink, and who I am today isn't the person I will be six months from now

After reading our ad, how do you respond with something like this? All serious and (wannabe) deep. Did we come off as the kind of girls who would be interesting to/ be interested in a guy like this? A little too new-agey for our tastes. Seems like a nice, genuine guy, but our ad very clearly projects a “loud-obnoxious-drunk-girls-looking-for-a-good-time-with-manly-men” image. A woman's emotions?! And a man who doesn't watch sports is not really a man at all. It just blows my mind that this guy felt like we might be a good match.

Bachelor: Recent dumpee

anyways,
i was dumped last week and i had my whole v day planed out, so im kinda
bumb'd. I dont want to be thinking about it on that day all alone.

Yes. This makes us want to meet you. Pshaw. We don't do pity dates.

Bachelor: Chaotic

About Me ??

- single
- from Europe
- student, 26, 5'10", 150lbs, white, straight, non-smoker
- very sweet with good manners
- handsome
- educated (I spent the last five years studying at a german university
having classes like business science, computers, law)
- professional here in an office in Century City
- 3 languages (german, english, french)
- sporty (10 years soccer, 7 years gym, different kinds of other sports)
- trustful
- honest
- ambitious
- humorous
- faithful
- independent
- I absolutely like to laugh and I'm always in a good mood.
- And I absolutely enjoy to tease and fool around with a girl if I really
like her. (and if she likes me)
- Sometimes I'm a kid... sometimes I'm a grow up...
- I'm curious and I like to talk and have serious and deep conversations.
(though sometimes it takes a while to have that... ?
- I'm always open and curious to meet new people
- My sign? I'm a virgo.
- I'm NOT 420 friendly...

Usually I don't like to tell people what "qualities" I have. I want them to find that out on their own. I want people to ask me questions and I want to find about about other people on my own.
And I hate cocky guys. If I think somebodys cocky, I'm like.."oh man who dialed the zero?? Or why are you talking??"
I don't like to show-off. Why should I? I think that's stupid. But if I'm not gona tell you anything about me, how should you know?
Hey, why don't you go for a coffee with me and find out by yourself? And if you think I don't fit or your girlfriends like to go out with another type of guy, hey...that's no big deal. I'm confident enough to handle that ?
But of course I want to join your Valentine single mingle thing!! ?

Nevertheless I also want to give you some reasons why NOT to pick me. Sounds stupid to you why I'm gona tell you that?? Well sometimes it's better to put the cards on the table...
- I will leave the states in two month.
- So if you're looking for a guy for a long term relationship for one of
your girlfriends, I might be the wrong guy.
and BTW: I'm NOT looking for a hookup or anything like that. (we are on
CL...so I gotta tell you that...:) I've no problem to hug somebody, cuddle,
hold hands or maybe even have a nice Valentines Day kiss (and besides...the
beach, a long walk, sunset, a nice girl, that sounds awesome to me too). But
at this point of time I'm not seeking a girlfriend for a relationship. I'm
happy the way it is right now. I think you cannot seek for a girl. If you
click with someone, that's great, but you can not push that.
- I don't have a car in the states. But I can rent one.

So let me know if you think one of these do not fit into your picture...
You've written a funny ad, so telling you these things is the least I can do.
Oh... and of course I don't have two other friends to bring with me... My friends are like 10 hours away by plane...

And I'm sorry for the messy email... I'm at work... Am I??
Hm... I should continue working, before my manager get's mad...
?

Have a great day...
And if I don't hear from you... Have a great Valentines Day !!!!
R

PS: feel free to ask if there's anything else you or your girlfriends want
to know...

I had a lot of trouble following this guy's thought process. This is a classic example of TMI. TOO MUCH INFORMATION. It’s like a really bad first date where the guy wants to talk about his life story and all you want to do is stick your fork into your eyeball. Things we didn't like: his abuse of the smiley face, his adamant anti-420 worldview, his too-honest reasons as to why we shouldn't pick him, and that weird bit about cocky guys. It makes it sound like he's got some kind of complex.

Bachelor: LOL

HI I READ ALL OF YOUR CLASSIFIEDS AND I AM MORE THEN INTERESTED IN ALL OF YOU AND I WANT TO KNOW IF ALL OF YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW ME ...CHECK OUT MY PICS IF ALL OF YOU LIKE THEM LEMME KNOW IF NOT THEN ALSO LEMME KNOW, BUT IF ALL OF YOU DO WANT TO GET TO KNOW ME PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU
TELL ME LOL

umm not to be too cocky i think you will like me, people tell me all the time i should be a comedian. but i tell them i'd rather have a real job... im 6'1" im 21 i got a buff build but not cut ( at least not yet) this is like my first time responding to one of these things and im only responding because i think i am what your looking for .....im fun, wild, exciting, charismatic, a gentleman, and much more... get back to me if u wanna chat or know more, my aol or aim screen name is ----- ... ttyl bye

All caps to no caps. Was that supposed to suggest that he was yelling the first paragraph and then spwaking quietly in the next? Also, real men don't use Comic Sans or bubbly fonts of any type. It's not okay. Especially in teal.

Bachelor: Prom king

How are you doing? Hopefully, you are enjoying the week, so far. A little about myself or should I say alot if I don't write the LA TIMES. My name is R I am a successful entreprenuer with a degree in Finance. I am ambitious, goal oriented, postive. Motivated man with many goals to accomplish. I have been told numerous of times that I am handsome and a comedian that doesn't get paid but love doing it. I am a successful man who has three properties and growing. I do smile 24/7, not that I look at myself at night.I am also a mentor. I stand at 5'10 5'11 with my shoes on. I'm 171 lbs unless I gain an extra one pound over the weekend. I have black hair along with my natural brown eyes. I have no pimples, zits or frickles. I also have no body piercing and no tattoo's, as well. If I miss anything, please let me know. If this interest you or you would like to know more, you can e-mail me back, Thanks. I hope to hear from you soon. I live here in Northridge. I am very easy going with a great sense of humor who likes to have a great time.I hope to hear from you soon.

I better let you before I write a book and maybe even publish and sign autographs, so take care and I do hope (cross my fingers) actually both of them, that you will pick me. I will be the funniest guy you have evern know, that is a free unpaid adverstisement. :)

P.S. This is a recent pic of me. I no longer talk to the girl on the pic. I hope you like it.



I think he tried to make a joke with the LA Times bit but I didn't get
it. I don’t think I really got any of his jokes, though I got a sense that he was trying very hard to make them. For a guy whose friends say he's quite the comedian, he's not very funny. Except when he's not trying to be funny, like when he calls attention to his lack of zits, pimples, and freckles. Because, you
know, that's something that people ought to include in introductions. And like his lack of epidermal blemishes, so lacking is he in his grammatical skill. Oh, and what about the prom picture he sent us? If you're trying to meet girls, why would you send out your frickin' scanned-in, cheesebally, posed prom photo? (I blurred his face out... Oops. Now that I think about it, I should have blurred hers out, too, but there are too many more and I'm feeling lazy.)

Bachelor: SmoovePersian

My name is Amir (it means Prince....that's gotta be worth a couple points, right :)

His handle was SmoovePersian. Do you see me creating e-mail addresses as SmooveKorean? No offense to those of you who do, but for some reason, the combination of a misspelled and self-glorifying adjective with one's ethnicity really gets my goat. I don't know why. Ever since the early days of AIM, I've always hated it. Yes, the SexxieKorean1004s of the world tick me off. So Prince might be a really nice guy, but because of that particular pet peeve of mine, he was done before he even started.

Bachelor: Iwillcrushyourhead

well i saw your post and i have to say it was alot more informative than most and it sounds like your friends are pretty cool so i am sending a pic and if u like what u see and what i have to say then email me afe pics back and which of u would be more interested in meeting me (from your post it sounds like megan with those delisious looking lips of her's, yes i am the sarcastic type so don't take anything personal i just like to have a good time) but you all have a great look and if i had to chose i do not think it would be possible...........i would have to have u all

anyways i am 31 but everyone thinks i am 24 25 when they meet me but hey "it is what it is" and "i am what i am” but i am not popeye. i am alot of fun and can hold my liqure as well as drive so let me know what u have in mind and if we should meet first to see what happens but this is my cell and i stay in the lax area and hollywood (i am a contractor/handyman so i am all over the place really) i work for myself so there is not any schedualing problems for me either

hope u find what your looking for if i end up on the "ASSED OUT LIST" BUT IF U WANT TO MEET SOME OTHER TIME OR JUST SOOT THE SHIT I AM A REAL PERSON WHO IS JUST HERE TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS IF I HAVE A GOOD TIME OR EVEN MEET SOMEONE THATS EVEN BETTER

B**** ###-###-####

Dude, have you ever head of a period? And I don’t mean the ones you abused when creating your 11 point ellipses. I tried to read this aloud to the girls when we were picking through the e-mails and I couldn't. I ran out of breath. He should not be allowed to write anything ever, if only for his abuse of punctuation (those poor apostrophes!) but add to the mix the spelling and the too-long run-on sentence, and voila! You've got the disaster that is his e-mail. Plus, he looks scary in his pictures. He's glaring at the camera with his handlebar mustache, tattooed and shirtless, in various states of flexing. He is built like Arnold Schwarzennager (sp?) in his bodybuilding days and looks like he may have just gotten out of jail after being put there for crushing someone's head into a pulp using his bare hands. Yeah. That's what I meant by scary.

Bachelor: Brokeback



I know, Cowboy, your abs look phenomenal in that open shirt. But your timing is
off. I don't know if you've heard about this little movie called Brokeback Mountain, but you look like you belong in it, and that's not scoring you many points with us heterosexual chicks.

Bachelor: Crassy McCrassyson

Hey how are you so first off can you go at it for 5 hours. I am a male 5'7 brown hair blue eyes and 150 lbs and well built go to the gym 4 times a week and very hung let me know if you are interested

I'm just grateful he didn't send us a cockshot.

There you have it. The worst/ funniest responses we got in the 36 hours
the ad was up. I don't have any more energy to write, so more on V-Day
later. Follow through...