Friday, December 10, 2004

Catchin' feelings

I am at a stage in my life where I feel like I should be single and having fun. 22 doesn't last forever, and I'm determined to make the most of it. But I'm selfish and immature. I want all the affection and attention that comes along with being in a committed, stable relationship, but I abhor the thought of being tied down or losing any of my freedom. I want to have someone to cuddle with at night who will kiss me on the forehead and tell me I'm beautiful. And mean it. But I want to be able to hang out with the guys from work and get wasted with them and not feel guilty about it. I want to be held, prized, adored... and I don't want to fall too hard. Bah. What I'm trying to say is that I want all the good stuff and I don't want to get hurt. Because if a relationship is as perfect as I want it to be, then I get very attached to that person. I don't know why I do it. I go in thinking it's all fun and games and then *boom* I'm catchin' feelings. I need to breathe. Think. Be alone. It's a dangerous game, this relationship thing. I'm not sure I want anything to do with it...

I am an avid believer in freedom in relationships. We got into this thing thinking we wouldn't get too serious; that we'd just hang out and have fun since we always seemed to do that anyways. Ever since I've been back in LA from Thanksgiving in DC, we've been inseparable. Like... to the point where it's just gross. We wake up in the morning, get ready together, go to work together, have lunch together, leave work together, eat dinner together, hang out together, then go to bed together. And I'm starting to panic, I told myself I wouldn't fall for him. There are too many things about him that I don't like, and I never ever want to go into something thinking I can change it. I don't want a man to have to change for me. The other day, he said to me jokingly, "Someday you're going to need a real man." I laughed, but his words rang true to some extent. I don't want a real man right now, though. I am addicted to his boyishness, his goofiness, and his overall charm. And he's smooth and sexy when he wants to be. Somehow, he's worldly and immature at once. And at this point in my life, I don't need a real man. I just want to be with S because it's fun. Right now, he's perfect for me. The only problem is me. I can't just be content with how perfect things are right now. I have to wonder what it will be like to get hurt when this is all over. Because I'm growing more and more fond of him with each passing day, and it's scaring me senseless. I'm not ready to be hurt again... so do I just stop it now? I am so pissed at myself for feeling so lonely tonight, just because I'm not hanging out with him.
Follow through...